Is it time for the change?

I started weight watchers again. I lost about 40 lbs. on WW in 2004. It wasn't easy...it was all-consuming. I would spend hours each day planning my meals and living the lifestyle. I didn't exercise then. I lost the weight by eating controlled portions.

So, this time I'm exercising. I bought an elliptical from a co-worker. I've vowed to work out every day during Lent. I've made it this far.

I've lost almost 8 lbs in 2 1/2 weeks and can now walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded. I actually think about how I can work out and make sure I get a session in.  Having a machine at home is such a difference. 46 days to establish a habit? I think the odds are in my favor.

Better but still bad...

Well, today I still overate. I had fatty foods. But, I put back part of the food I would have eaten yesterday. As small of a victory as it might seem, I left 1/2 a sausage mcgriddle in the wrapper.

Why did I eat dinner? I was full when I got home. I sneaked in some fast food tacos on my way home from the store but didn't want my husband to know. So...I ate dinner here so he wouldn't know I'd eaten earlier. Why?

I bought a weight loss drug today. We'll see if this helps. It's not a magic pill...that's not what I'm looking for. This is supposed to help augment what I'm trying to do with my diet.

I walked a bit today and did some housework. Tomorrow is a heavy day for housecleaning. I wonder if I"ll get anymore exercise? I should...I have a goal to walk 1/2 mile around the neighborhood.

Start small, I will get there. I have to stay focused. I don't want to have a heart attack at the age of 31.

It has been almost a year since I started blood pressure medication. What do I have to show for it? Nothing...5 lbs in a year. May I be off of all medications by this time next year.

Is this a start? How do I save my life?

I get hungry. I don’t take time to eat. I starve. I overeat easy food.

I feel guilty. I fear I am going to die. I thought my heart would explode. Then came the medications. I don’t take care of myself. I barely take care of my house. I take care of my job and my kids. I barely pay attention to my husband. I feel like my heart might explode.

I eat too much. I crave salt. I wait too long between meals. I hardly ever drink water. Is this all because I'm really thirsty instead of hungry?

I start on a plan to eat better, eat less. It works for 1-2 weeks and I start to lose weight. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow. But…something always happens. It never becomes habit. Why? If I could only know…

I start to lose weight. I may drop 10 lbs. But then I get hungry and I can’t stop eating.

Is it hormonal? Emotional? Mental? I’m sure a combination.

But how do I manage this? How do I keep from doing it?

I try thinking about my kids and what their lives would be like without me. How can they live without a mommy?

What would my husband do?

Is this another start? Writing out my fears to use as motivation?

So many questions. So many fears.

I pray for help. I lie about how much I eat. I will die if I don’t change my ways.

My heart is already damaged. How do I keep my children’s hearts from breaking?